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 Listen,
Pause, Clarify and Validate
By Michael Angier
Our ability to communicate effectively is one of the most precious
skills we can develop. Most of the time when we think of
communicating well, we think of effectively expressing ourselves.
This is certainly important, but listening is the single most
important of all communication skills. It's what Stephen Covey calls
"Seek first to understand and THEN to be understood."
Listen
First and foremost, we must actively listen to what someone is
saying. Perhaps we were given two ears and one mouth because we were
supposed to listen twice as much as we speak. Look at the person who
is speaking. Listen with your whole body and your whole mind. Resist
the temptation to think about your response. People will appreciate
your respectful listening.
Pause
This is a great habit to develop. When the speaker is finished,
pause for a few seconds before responding. This guarantees that the
other person has really finished talking and there is no danger of
cutting them off. By pausing, we show the speaker that we've
listened to them and that we respect what they had to say enough to
consider it before we launch into our response.
Clarify
You could call this "Backtrack and Clarify." This is where you
rephrase what was said and ask if you understood correctly. You get
agreement as to the communication and you make sure that what you
heard was really what was meant. It takes only a moment and prevents
assumptions that create misunderstandings later.
Validate
This is the one with which I've had the most trouble. After you have
clarified, you validate the opinion/feeling/expression of the other.
Validation does not necessarily mean agreement. It simply means that
you understand how the other person might feel or think about
something. And if you WERE them, and had the same experience, you
WOULD feel or think like them.
This whole process may appear to be time consuming, but it's really
not. Even if it takes a little longer at first, you'll find that it
makes for clearer, more effective communication with more
understanding and less hurt feelings. |